DISQUS

DannyHaszard · 2 years ago

Jehovah's Witnesses family wreckers Who are Jehovah's Witnesses?

Dissident Jehovah's Witness speaks out.

No tolerance,the Jehovah's Witnesses are a cult because they try to cut you off from others who do not have the same beliefs, including family.

The Watchtower is an oppressive cult if there ever was one!

It's amazing they are still around after 100 years of 100% failed prophecies. Truly amazing,that they can prompt their followers to actually go door to door with a 100% bogus message.

The Watchtower is a truly Orwellian world.

Dogpatch · 2 years ago

Growing Up Gay in JWs in Australia Growing Up as a Gay Jehovah's Witness

by Josh (Australia)

online discussion of this story

I feel the need to express how I feel and felt about my life as a gay man. I was brought up from birth as a Jehovah's Witness. This has played a major part in my life and it has been a real struggle to get past.

I remember when I was really young, feeling strange whenever I would see a man without a shirt on. I used to get really giggly and flustered. Picking up little crush's for some men I didn't understand that I was gay. As the years went on I continued to have these feelings and as I got into high school they started getting stronger.

At this stage I started to realise what I was considered by society and the boy that was once bright and open and very talkative ceased to exist and I replaced it with shyness, quietness and sadness. I had also started experimenting with masturbation, to me I think it started off harmless enough, not realising at first that what I was doing wasn't accepted by Jehovah's people or Jehovah. Finally realising that I had a problem (A problem considered by Jehovah's Witnesses but normal by society and for most teenagers) with masturbation I desperately tried to stop. I would feel so guilty for doing the act and for the things I was thinking during. Afterwards I would plunge into massive depression and guilt.

I felt that if I was redeemable in the slightest to Jehovah I had wrecked my chances of that by sinning so badly. I felt totally disgusting, I had no self worth. Many times I had thought out how I was going to kill myself. I would often be crumpled on my bedroom floor behind my closed door and cry my eyes out till I fell asleep. I would beg Jehovah to help me, I was so scared that he didn't approve of me. But Jehovah never answered my prayers which made me feel worse, to me it was proof that I was disgusting in his eyes. I can't tell you how that can make you feel, I was never, not even from birth, worthy.

Mum used to worry about me a lot, I learnt to cry when she had gone out so as not to concern her anymore than she was. She thought that I was upset because I had no friends, she didn't realise that was a result from me withdrawing myself from people. Not even understanding myself at the time fully what would have happened had I been my real self in front of people. (Witnesses) To me telling people how I felt and that I was gay was never an option, I couldn't have been further from the idea of reaching out for help about it. As far as I had been taught about such things, I was beyond help. I was simply waiting for Jehovah to destroy me at Armageddon.

At that stage I think I started to decide that I had nothing to lose, so I started doing my best as far as becoming a servant of Jehovah. It was difficult to say the least. Being a single parent child isn't the easiest thing to be at the Kingdom Hall. Putting my best effort in I would regularly go out on field service after becoming an Unbaptised Publisher, I would pre-study my watchtower for the Sunday meetings and we were nearly always in attendance. I would prepare for the book study. And would answer up and take notes during meetings.

But despite doing all of this on and off up till the age of about 19 Jehovah still didn't answer my prayers. Things were becoming tight for Mum and myself monetary wise and we didn't get a lot of support from the brothers and sisters. Despite Mum being a regular pioneer and me reaching out for more responsibilities we felt very alone, we were never invited out with other brother and sisters. I remember many a time mum and I would cry ourselves sick holding each other asking why we were not being helped, what were we doing wrong ?

I remember there being a specific talk being given about Jehovah's blessing not being given to those that are sinning. I remember it being said that Jehovah doesn't even hear your prayers because of your sinful state. At that point I came to the realisation that my inner feelings for other men was the cause of our lack of blessings. I felt completely blood guilty that mum and my punishment was all because of me. After all of that effort I still felt disgusting in Jehovah's eyes. How could I live with myself ? I was constantly fearful that Armageddon was almost here.

At this stage I dropped off from my meeting attendance, no pre-study, no prayer ... nothing. Feeling as though I was already condemned by Jehovah and his people, I no longer saw the point in actually breaking my back for Jehovah, why would I serve a person that would condemn me for not having a choice in this stinking life I was given ?

So there I was, I had no friends, I had no life, I was useless to everyone. Even having come this far I was still not even thinking about coming out of the closet. I never thought I would ever be accepted for who I am. Being isolated the way I was kept me from knowing that gay people are widely accepted as part of society here in Australia. Eventually in the lead up to my `coming out' I started to become very sick. I was never hungry so I never ate, I felt as if I had the worst flu. I was sick like this for I think about 9 weeks, it was continually getting worse. Mum had to make me drink meal replacement drinks just to basically keep me alive.

Doing nothing but crying and sleeping the days became darker and darker for me. I had started thinking that I might be dead soon and how that wouldn't be such a bad thing. My mum was desperately worried about me and forced me to go to the doctor once more. The doctor finally diagnosed me with extremely aggressive depression and I was prescribed antidepressants. To me saying I was depressed didn't seem to click with the way I was feeling. I actually physically felt sick, I felt like I was dying. Not realising that after a life time of suppression and feeling like I'm waiting for my death sentence that depression could make me feel any physical problem under the sun.

Not long after I was diagnosed with depression we were waiting at home for a visit from the elders. Mum was so desperate with how sick I was she rang one of the elders she felt closest with and as soon as he got on the phone mum broke down and pleaded with him to come and see me, she was so choked up with tears on the phone she could barely speak. To see mum like that was unbearable for me. I was laid on the couch, I couldn't move from exhaustion. I remember that it was getting dark outside and the lights weren't on in the lounge room. Mum sat down after getting off the phone and pleaded with me, was there anything she could do. With tears constantly welling in my eyes I told her there wasn't. I told her that I can't fight anymore, I feel I just need to let go. The room went silent, I could see mums face dimly lite from the street lights.

And then she said it - "Is there anything your not telling me?" My brain went straight to my being gay but I stayed silent. She pleaded with me and asked again .. more forcefully. I said to her there was something but I didn't want to tell her. She asked me why. I said that I couldn't say. She pleaded again. "Mum, if I told you, I'm scared you wouldn't be able to accept me." I managed to force out. She went very quiet for a while. The quietness was agonising, I knew that I had given her to much information already, she had to realise now that I am gay. Finally she said that no matter what it was that I was hiding she loved me and was worried that if I didn't stop hiding `it' I would get sicker. I stayed silent. Mum finally said "Are you the same as the guy in the Pet Shop Boys?" She had often heard me listening to a few PSB's albums that I had, I guess it was my only gay expression I was able. I don't think she wanted to say the `gay' word. All I said was "Mum!" in a way that told her "Please stop!" I guess she was really determined though, she came out with it ... "Are you gay?"

Having no fight left in me, physically weak, mentally extinguished and emotionally dead I managed the word yes. I felt like I was falling into the deepest endless pit of blackness and I was on the edge of passing out I began to weep for my death.

Mum assured me that she loves me and wants me to become well again. Looking back I remember saying to her after that, that she was only saying that because I was sick and I knew she couldn't accept who I was. She denied it and I think she believed it to. About half an hour after coming out to mum the elders arrived. I must have looked a pitiable site because they seemed completely moved as soon as they saw me. They said a few encouraging things about Jehovah loving me which I knew wasn't true. Mum asked me in front of them if I wanted to tell them what I had just told her. I said I didn't and mum asked if she wanted her to tell them. I just started weeping again. Mum told the elders that I was gay and they told me that Jehovah loved me no matter what and that he wants me to get better. I started to bawl my eyes out. They started to pray for me and I couldn't keep conscious any longer, I passed out.

It's so hard making that step .. my body forced me to come out .. I'd had a nervous break down This secret had to come out. Days afterwards I still wasn't any better, mum called the locum to come and visit me. When he arrived he doctor he spoke to me quite a bit and told me that I needed to go to hospital immediately, it almost felt like he picked me up and carried me in his arms there. I actually don't remember how I got to hospital but I was admitted to the mental problems ward in Charles Gardener Hospital.

I started slowly getting better after that. One of the nurses on the ward was gay and came and spoke to me one night I was crying, he spoke about being gay and that he was gay, that everything would be alright. I remember hating him because I still believed that being gay was wrong and he was telling me to be open about my sexuality. It was so confronting and I fought against it with all my will. What an idiot I was. For those that haven't been brought up from birth in a religion such as Jehovah's Witnesses it might be very difficult to understand the way I felt. Anyways I continually got better and better, I started to gain weight again after dropping down to 49kgs. I went home from the hospital a few weeks afterwards and started my recovery at home.

So what happened after I got better ? Well hell started to break loose didn't it ? Many Witnesses said they accepted me for who I was. But what that meant for most of them was "I will tolerate you but you have to change your thinking." The elders came and saw me again a couple of times with a completely different attitude to the night I came out.

You see it wasn't good enough for me to simply not talk about being gay, I actually was told that I had to work on not thinking gay. I couldn't work out how to do that, I had always been the same. One brother actually asked me "If you were to look at pornographic material of a girl would it arouse me?" Of course I said no .. and then he asked the same thing about seeing a man the same way and I said yes it would arouse me. He looked completely disgusted. This kind of thing seemed the theme of their visits.

So as far as I was concerned .. Enough was enough. People who said they would help me only ended up stabbing me in the back. Soon the entire congregation knew my sexuality. So I stopped having anything to do with Jehovah's Witnesses. After I had got better I had began to realise that life was very different than Jehovah's Witnesses say it is. I started learning a new way of life and started healing myself. I think though I will continue to heal myself for a very long time from now. I guess me writing this is all part of the healing process.

It took me till the age of 21 to finally come out, I have found the man I love and adore and he treats me so well. I am very happy for the place I stand at this point in time. It hasn't been easy to write this and I have been crying for most of the time I have been typing it.

There isn't anything left to say except I wish I didn't have to go through all of this to get where I am today.

Josh

Nathan · 2 years ago

Unconditional Love Josh, my name is Nathan. The post you replied to was a brief conversation I had with the writer.

I'm glad you took the time to write about your experience as painful as it still may be. During most my teenage years I was nearly identical to you... crying in my room after school everyday. Mother very concerned about my depression. Suicidal thoughts and EXTREME GUILT... guilt that stressed me to the point of bleeding ulcers!

So now, I'm curious to how your mother treats/views you today, and I wish to know how well you are doing.

Your story is very moving, quite a painful experience I'm sure... but what has been the outcome?  You don't speak much of where you are today.  I know you're healing - but how? What of the support you have now?

As for an ending (or rather the "beginning") to my story... I'm the happiest and healthiest I've been in my entire life.  The healing took many years for me, but I don't regret what I had to go through as it's created an appreciation for life, and more importantly an appreciation of myself.  I LOVE who I am, and how confident, passionate, ambitious, strong and unwaivering in my own beliefs I am today. I'm also very successful in my life now and surrounded by amazing friends I'll have for life.

I've had many random glimpses back at the lives of those who are still JW's, because my mother is still one of them. Occasionally I'll run into some of them.  I remember at first it used to put me at odds.  I felt uncomfortable.  But that was many years ago.  Now it's funny to watch how they squirm and become anxious around me.

They are very stagnant and unhappy people.  OHHHH THEY TRY TO PUT UP A GOOD FRONT... they want you to think they are happy.  But you can see through their arrogance (and how superior they make to believe they are) how truly insecure and weak they have become. They've sold their soul. Not to a god or devil, but they've sold their soul into the control of humans. Men, who in the height of arrogance, claim to have divine insight and leadership but only wish to control them. They've become puppets to just another religion that controls it's followers with guilt and fear.  And in that sense, I feel terribly sorry (with a hinge of apathy) for them.

And if you and I the only posts to this site/story on coming out day... hopefully it's enough to show any reader that no person or religion, president or politician...

NO ONE can affect your health and happiness but YOU. Unconditional love should come from us to ourselves. Don't expect it from anyone else.

Our life is ours, we chose to come into this physical experience and I believe we should make it the best one possible. That's the point in life.

JOY

- Nathan

Please feel free to contact me from my personal blog:

http://www.nathanhil...

Also, a quick link to the most beneficial teachers... who taught me everything I already knew inside. They guided me to a clear connection with my Inner Being - they guide us to self-upliftment from our total self.

http://www.abraham-h...

Kerri Rebresh · 2 years ago

Thank you Thank you for sharing, Nathan and Josh.

BTDT · 2 years ago

Sorry for your pain Read some of the previous post. Sorry for all of your unnecessary pain and suffering. I am African-American, an elder and the JW parent of a gay young man(29), regrettably I know what you've gone through. Having known my son was gay from a very young age (4)[Ps. 103:14a] helped me to deal with him and his feelings as he grew older. He knows I understand, although I will never accept. He has allows been accorded respect and dignity by his immediate family and those with whom he grown up with the majority being JWs so when I read posts/stories such as your it breaks my heart. My son and my motto is: "To disagree without being disagreeable." I will allow no one JW or in the world to hurt or harm him in any degree, and he knows that he can come to me at anytime in utmost confidence for help in anything. I'm sorry you all ran across the wrong individuals - family or otherwise in your life experiences. Not all JWs are robots, and many simply just don't know how to deal with the situation and thus panic with disastrous consequences. Wishing you all peace in your life.

Brent · 2 years ago

Dear BTDT You say you will never let anyone hurt or harm your son but in the next breath you say you do not accept his being gay; you agree to disagree.  What you are not realizing is that by NOT accepting him you ARE hurting him.  Your son did not choose to be gay.  Who would choose to be something that not even their own family will accept?  Your son is who he is because he was born that way, not because he wants to be that way by choice.  If you truly love your son you will accept who he is and embrace it. 

lisa brooks of warrinton · 1 year ago

this is truly compelling iam lisa brooks iam living in warrington, england and i am currently doing my gcse's iam doing a sociology course and my theme is gays coming out and their effects on the family unit. i would be very gratefull if you could get in touch and share your views more in depth about your expiriences

please contact me via email lisabrooks06@hotmail.com


thank you for your time


lisa brooks xxx